thursday. june. nineteenth. - inspire with your imperfections

 

 

"it’s unnecessary to be perfect to inspire others. let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections."

 

 

How to start this, that’s always my biggest problem, how do I even start to write. So many thoughts floating around in my head so it’s hard to get hold on them. Just so much I wanna write about all the time. Every day I say to myself that before I go to bed I am gonna write down something that’s been on my mind all day. Something that I feel that I wanna share with someone. But I just never really take the time. Sometimes I just hate to have so many ideas about things I wanna do, because I never know where to start and I wanna do all of them at the same time, so eventually I end up doing nothing, or not giving it one hundred procent. And then I get even more frustrated and disappointed because I can’t get anything done. So at this moment I feel like I just spit out everything at the same time, just to get everything out of my head. So if you do understand what I am writing in this post, you’re probably as confused as I am, haha

 

Earlier this evening I went out for a run and bumped in to my neighbours when they were out for a walk with their dog, and the man said to me "Are you gonna go for a run now, this late? Isn’t it better you just go and sit down and wait until everything has calmed down?" He was just saying this as a joke because they think I am way to active and healthy. I was just laughing and said that’s not true, it’s just that they see me the few times I’m out running or doing something active in my garden, they are way more active being out with their dog twice a day. The man had no idea how wrong he was but at the same time so right. Because the reason I was out this evening was because I really needed to calm down and to go for a run is the only thing that helps me to try to get rid of all the weird things that is going on inside of my head. Of course he had no idea how much I am struggling with these "voices", not too many people do know. Because that is something I don’t talk about, because it’s not accepted these days to let people know when you’re having a bad day or when you’re going through something hard. Everything has to be so freaking perfect all the time! I and would say that this is the biggest reason why we do get depressed or get all these dark days. Because we are not on top all the time, or we are not out doing something impressive. And if we don’t we feel like we are not good enough. We feel this pressure inside of us to always be active everywhere to show people that we do exist. To make people see us. And to get some feedback from people around us when we have done something we feel proud of. 

 

 

I guess now when you read this you think "but you are doing exactly the same right now." Yes I am, this is something I have been struggling a lot with in my life. I have always had the need to inspire people by the things I do. But I have never really known how to do it. Or how to stop doing things for others instead of doing things that makes me happy. When I started to travel in October 2016 I was writing a blog about everything I did every day because I wanted to share my experience with my friends and family back home to make them see the world and how different life is in other parts of the world. It was also a great feeling for me to just write everything down, since I was travelling alone I didn't have anyone to talk to about all the new impressions and feelings I got every day. It felt good to share it in some kind of way, even if it of course wasn’t even close to talking to a friend about it. But I have always had the need to write down my thoughts and feelings to get a little bit of it out of my head. After been writing everyday for eight month I just had enough and stopped post things on my blog. It got too much for me and at some points I forgot to enjoy what I was doing just because I felt that I needed to share everything with everyone back home all the time. After a while I started to miss the feeling of writing and to share my experiences with people, and I started a new really bad habit, to post everything I did on social media, and I can totally admit that it got way too far. I posted pictures and videos all the time on ‘my story’ to keep people updated about what I was doing. In my head I did this because I wanted to show people that to follow your dreams and travel the world will make you happy and again to show people that life on the other side of the world is so different from back home. To inspire people to follow their dream and to see the world to understand life more. Now I know that all I wanted was to have a friend to share my experiences with. I wanted it so badly so I didn’t even notice all the beautiful people I was surrounded by, how many great friends I had the whole time. And when I did realise it was too late and they had kept on travelling to a new place. 

 
 

My biggest wake up call was around six month ago when me and some friends went to the beach. It was a beautiful warm and sunny day. We were dancing and singing while walking on the hot sand to find the perfect spot to settle down for the day. When I was looking up at the sky I saw that around the sun was a colourful rainbow. You know they say that if we follow the rainbow we will find a treasure at the very end of it. With this picture and those words in my head I started to think. Our whole life we are trying to follow the rainbow so we can find our treasure, running in an endless circle, to find out in the end that the treasure the whole time was inside of us. The big bright light we are trying to find to be happy will always be inside of us. 

Later on that same day, after a nice refreshing swim in the ocean, one of my friends asked about the time. Before anyone of us got to answer she said out loud to herself, "the time is now, the time is present." It started out as a joke but after this day when I asked her about the time she always said "the time is now". It took me a while until I understood the actual meaning of those words. For me it was just something she said for fun, so I never really thought about the meaning too much. After a long conversation with another friend about my past, present and future and what I actually want to do in life I started to realise how important those four words are. The next morning I woke up with these words ringing in my head. I wrote it on my wrist and was reading it over and over again while really thinking about what those words mean. It was such a strong wake up call for me that I actually drove straight to the tattoo studio after my breakfast and now have it tattooed on my wrist. Maybe sounds a little bit impulsive, but as the tattoo says "The time is now", so why would I have to think about it too much. It was what I wanted at that moment and it will always be a good reminder that:

 

The time is now.
Yesterday has already been. 
 We know nothing about tomorrow. 
 All we have is right now.
Time waits for no one. 
 Be present in this very moment.
Make sure you always feel alive. 

 

After this moment I deleted my social media for some months to just focus on me and what makes me happy and for me it was kind of funny how much feedback I got from friends who got inspired by me when I just stopped to care about everything to just take care of myself and do what felt the best for me. For so long I tried to inspire people by doing and saying things I thought they needed to hear, but when I started to do things for me, that’s when people got inspired for real. When I started to focus on living in the moment I realised how many magical friends I was surrounded by. 

To try to live in the "now" is a daily exercise I do, sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I have those dark days when I am trying to find out what to do to feel better. But more about that another day.

 

saturday. july. seventh. one thirty am.

 
 
 
her wary feet are dancing in the unknown garden
where flowers bloom into a fragile wall
no one understand how to follow
cause the movement is the sound of her thoughts
 
she is only planting distance in her empty spaces
oh how she wish she had the seeds of letting go
her ambition to give the sun a reflection
in this moment raindrops are what makes her grow
 
her heartbeats gives a scent of independency
when solitude is the taste of her soul
in her eyes there is a hunger for serendipity
cause love is in her veins from top to toe
 
 
 
 
 

about june. twenty seventh. quitting, an abandoned house & "the most beautiful place in Europe"

A few times during this hike I were actually thinking about quitting. I asked myself why I were out there alone, especially on my birthday. Why didn’t I celebrate it with my friends? Why do I wanna spend so much time alone? What am I trying to hide from? What am I trying to avoid? At one point I said to myself that I need to spend more time with people, I need to talk more to people, so I almost decided that in the end of that day I would call my friend and ask her to pick me up. But then just a few minutes later I arrived to a magical lake, went for a swim and were sitting there just thinking again. And I realised the reason why I am alone out in the nature so much. There is few times in my life where I feel a strong connection to people, when I feel that someone understand me and the way I think. I do have really good friends that I love spending time with, to have conversations with, to talk about life with. But even how long you have known each other for, even how much you have to talk about, even if you know you can talk with them about absolutely everything, after I while I just feel like I wanna be alone. Being in the nature gives me a freedom where I don’t have to think about anything, I can just be. Just breathe, relax. Just sit and stare and let thoughts and feelings flow through my body. I have always had problems with just sitting still, to concentrate on a movie, or a teacher in school, but in the nature I can sit and just stare at a mountain or the water or whatever for hours, without feeling I have to be somewhere else. I feel peace inside. I feel like I belong. That the nature understand me without having to explain myself.

 
 
 

This day I walked past an abandon house, out in absolutely nowhere. First I didn’t even really see it cause the trees had grown around and where kind of hiding it. I got so curious about the people who had lived like this, when did they live here, what did they do, who were they? But I could totally understand why they were living so far away from society. I didn’t even see a road anywhere around, only the little path I was walking on. There were still things inside of the house and I just wanted to take off my backpack and spend hours in there trying to understand the life they were living. I found a newspaper on the floor from the 9th of December 1978 and I was wondering if that was the time they abandoned the house. Are they maybe still alive? I was surprised how I house could just be left like this without anyone taking care of it. So many questions in my head, and no answers. 

 
 
 
 

Every day when I were planning my route and where to end up for the day it was important to know where I could find a lake, to go for a swim or in the end of the day put up my tent next to it. Today was probably the warmest day during my hike, and I was so hot, tired and sweaty and just wanted to cool down my body after been walking for hours. I were looking at the map and saw a lake that wouldn't be too far away and continued walking. After a while I was reading the map again to find out where I was, and realised I had passed it a while ago, annoying. I continued and were walking through such a cute little village, every house had its own name, and there were lovely gardens and horses and just like an own world there. I wanted to move in to every house I saw! Then my feet told me they refused to take one more step and that I needed a break, so I found a little bit of shade under a tree on the grass, were laying down and fell asleep.

 
 
 
 

I had a little plan of where I wanted to stay the night tonight, I had seen a lake on the map were I thought would be good, and where it would be possible to see the sunrise the next morning. I was walking around trying to find a way to get down to the lake but it was impossible. So after a while I decided to knock on the door at a yellow house next to the road and ask if it was possible to get down to the lake and if I was allowed to put up my tent there. The guy who opened were such a nice guy and told me about how he had been hiking in places like Grand Canyon, Italy, north of Sweden and a lot of other places I don’t even remember now. His next destination were Peru. I asked him about the lake, and instead he recommended me to continue walking a little bit further where I would arrive to another lake, where it was a shelter to sleep in. And he said “That is the most beautiful place in Europe, and I have been to places!”. I were laughing for myself, but took his advice, said thanks and kept on walking. I arrived when the sun was just about to set and again I was sitting on a rock and did just absorb the energy and beauty from the universe. When the sun had set there were still this layer of colours just above the horizon that kept on lighten up the sky. I got into my sleeping bag in the shelter but I just didn't want to fall asleep, I couldn’t stop looking at the incredible sky. After a while I fell asleep, but a few hours later I woke up in the middle of the night, and then there was a big beautiful full moon, and the sky had still this layer of colours above the horizon and it was still so bright outside from the light of the full moon. I am so grateful I knocked on that door and met that guy, because honestly just like he said, this place is one of the most magical places I have been to in the world!